The white falcon raced into the planets atmosphere, leaving behind a tail of blue flame that counterbalanced the scudding clouds of a planetary wind storm. Inside the Falcon’s cockpit, Carmen’s grip on the drive-sticks lessened as the appendages on the Falcon’s underside folded out allowing a safe landing pad of the Citidel Medical Facility. Nearly punching the controls to open the starboard ramp, she ran down it barely letting it reach the ground before she did. Pushing through both heavy winds and swarms of people coming and going through the entrance to the facility she went to the information desk, brushing wind swept hair out of her eyes. A tall middle aged woman turned in her seat to face Carmen. “Can I help you ma’am? Carmen immediately replied, “I’m looking for a Peter Meedy that you have in care.” The woman pointed down the hall to her left.” The door at the end of the hall. “Thanks.” Before the woman could utter another word Carmen ran towards and down the hall nearly running into a nurse carrying a tray of food for a patient.
Stopping to catch her breathe, she looked through the window on the door and saw him laying on a bed with a doctor surveying his vitals. She burst through the door and before the doctor could say anything, she stopped right next to Peter. Her eyes grew wide. His head was bandaged up all but his eyes and mouth. As she looked at his body she noticed that his left arm was gone. As she reached over to touch his hidden face, his eyes slowly opened, and the eyes were all that it took to make hers shine. She smiled slightly, wanting so badly to hug him. “Are you……..a friend of Alicia’s? The smile shrank.”Peter it’s me Carmen.” His eyes narrowed as he just looked at her. The doctor quietly walked over to Carmen. “I believe that he has a rare case of memory loss that he may or may not recover from. He looked at were Peter’s arm was removed.”I’m afraid that his arm was crushed in the rubble when we found him. Carmen looked at Peter as her lips quivered. Tears ran down her face as she looked at the one person who ment more to her than life itself. The doctor placed a thin hand on Carmen’s shoulder and looked to her. “I’m so sorry…but….it’s all up to him now.
I hour passed….
After spending time with Peter who was now in a deep sleep thanks to the heavy dose of meds, Carmen took one last look at the half wrapped up mass before heading for the visitors quarters across the hall. When she finally made it there she was met with inquisitive eyes. Her younger sister Leslie immediately abandoned her seat as an older man wasted no time in taking it. She walked over to Carmen, and though she could see by her red, tear soaked eyes that it was bad, she still asked.” ……How is he?” Their eyes met for a few seconds until Carmen buried her face in her hands and broke down. She fell to her knees while Leslie did her best to comfort her.”He didn’t even know who I was!” Everyone in the vicinity looked at them. Some were doctor’s, others were those who hoped that the news they received wouldn’t be so grim. Leslie put her arms around her and rubbed her back.
The specialized doctor called Carmen from her ship and told her to come back to the hospital. When she asked her if there was any change in Peter’s condition the doctor just told her the same thing. So there she was, sitting in one of the few seats that wasn’t occupied by a friend or lover of an injured soldier from the war. There was a stack of news vids on the table next to her ment to help ease the pain of the visit. She refused to take her mind off of it, seeing it as being unfaithful to Peter. She just sat there for about a half hour with memories playing in her head. Finally a tall woman in white entered the room and spoke softly. Either the woman had no personality, or the news was bad. Carmen followed her down the narrow hall as a woman trilled over the intercom” Doctor Connor’s your needed on the third floor…Doctor Conner’s….third floor.” Once she got to the door and could see through the glass window that Peter was awake she slowly opened to door. The bandages that covered his face had been removed. He slowly opened his eyes, making it clear that he was almost devoid of energy. He managed to form a faint smile,” Hey Carmen.” Tears poured from her eyes as she ran to him, wrapped her arms around him and passionately kissed him. The doctor standing next to Peters bed look at them with a smile. “I can see that someone has been worried about you.” Peter ran his hand through Carmen’s hair as he returned the kiss.

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3 Responses to “This Is A Story Im Working On, Please Tell Me What You Think?”
  1. Twainy Bob says:

    I am not sure if you know what the words you are using actually mean. The first few lines for instance “counterbalance” and “scudding”.
    you just use “big words” too infrequently, that 1 it doesn’t make sense and 2 it doesn’t seem genuine.
    I would consider revising. By the way, I am a big fan of vocabulary splendor, but you have to know when to use it. It seems like you just consulted the Thesaurus on your word program.
    Good luck and keep trying

  2. Philip says:
  3. Brian says:

    First off, I liked it. But there’s a lot of room for improvement. You did a GREAT job of communicating action (although you could ease up on the adjectives in the first part of the story), and you described the emotion very well. But therein lies a problem. You described to us a lot of the emotion. What I mean is this: show, don’t tell. For instance,
    “There was a stack of news vids on the table next to her ment to help ease the pain of the visit. She refused to take her mind off of it, seeing it as being unfaithful to Peter.”
    You told us exactly how she was feeling. It’s more powerful if you show us. For example, you could easily just change the line I quoted to something like “…meant to help ease the pain of the visit, but she refused to watch any of them.” Much easier, and then it lets us, the reader, see how she’s feeling. Does that make sense?
    Okay, and now I need to say something else. Yahoo questions is not a place you come to if you want input on your stories. Yahoo questions is place you come to if you want validation and praise for your stories. Think about that.
    Do you like writing? Do you want to become a better writer? Then you need to get a group of consistent readers for your stories who you can trust! And who will offer genuine criticism on you work (which probably means they’ll tell you repeatedly that your stories stink — at least that’s how mine always go >.>)
    And yes, I recognize that I am making A LOT of assumptions about you, and your writing.
    Good luck with your story.

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