How Do I Deal With A Gender Identity Problem? I Look Very Masculine Yet I Don’t Like Being Seen That Way?
Posted by: in women hair lossI have a major issue with my looks. I’m 6′3″, broad shouldered, around 235, and bald. Most people don’t understand why I hate this, and I rarely tell them the real reason.
I hate how I look because it’s entirely masculine. I hate that I’m taller than most people, I resent the fact that I started losing my hair at age 17, and that while I’m not in super shape, it’s not uncommon for someone (often just some panhandler buttering me up for money) to ask if I played football or call me “Big man”. In my darker times, I refer to myself as being “ugly” although I know it’s not true….I’m just the opposite of what I want to be.
I’m posting pics just to show the contrast between who I am and who I wish I could be.http://s385.photobucket.com/albums/oo296…
My GI problem is not a sexual issue…I don’t desire to have female organs and I’m heterosexual. I admit that in a perfect world, I’d rather be female. However, that’s obviously not going to happen, so I’m willing (like it matters) to compromise if I could just not be seen as an overtly masculine guy, I’m just frustrated because I know there is no way I’m ever going to be seen as anything but a masculine guy, the opposite of what I want. I could even deal with being male if I wasn’t so overtly masculine and the (few) women I attracted weren’t looking for the sort of big, strong, protective “manly man” type. I know they didn’t realize how their comments affected me, but hearing a female say things like “I love how small I feel next to you” were heartbreaking for me because I took it the way a female would….most females don’t want to be seen as big and burly.
I tried to counteract this by dating girls who were taller or larger…the last two were 6′5″ and 6′2″ (around 250 lbs). This, however, backfired…the supertall one loved having someone who made her look smaller and could dominate her in bed; the big one loved that I could pick her up (with difficulty) and, worse, told me she was attracted to me partially because I reminded her of her father. Now ask me why I don’t go out on more dates…
I’m really at a loss here. I mean, I care about how I look and yet I’m unmotivated even to get in shape and do the best I can with what I’ve been given because I don’t want to seem like I actively am striving to fulfill that big tough bald bouncer type image that’s so popular with men now.
Anyway, I don’t know if this answer is going to inspire a lot of rude comments or if anyone will even have anything meaningful to say beyond token responses like “Get therapy” or “Stop caring what you look like”.
Also, PLEASE read my question. Some people click on the link to my pic and then write “What’s the big deal, you’re not ugly” or “Lots of girls dig big guys”. My question is not “Am I good looking?”, it’s how do I cope with having a body that’s the exact opposite of what I wish I could be.
Entries (RSS)
October 14th, 2009 at 4:29 am
Take solace in knowing that you aren’t alone. Many if not a majority of people wish themselves to be different. Many people like movies because it gives them an opportunity to be someone else for a while. You know as well as I do that you can’t change who you are. You can only find comfort in who you are. And just because you are put in a certain body doesn’t mean that your pysche corresponds with that body. That is one of the obstacles you are going to have to overcome. You have to find satisfaction in who and what you are.
Express you feels towards others. Especially the girls. They all may not understand where you are coming from but that’s not important. It’s only when you are true to yourself that you really start to shine. The right companion will come after you start realizing yourself and acting on it. And she will help to further your progess.
You are starting to act on it by asking such a question but there is more you can do. Wish you the best! Hope I help some. Peace Love and Happiness!
Maybe that’s your problem then. To outspoken. Heh. But seriously don’t go to a shrink. They get paid to much to do nothing. I don’t think much of doctors. I think when a person ridicules someone that shows how uneducated, immature, and apathetic they really are. There is so much more in this world than we can imagine and to take another persons emotions and make them into something they get amusement out of don’t say much about them.
Dude honestly I look at your pictures and you don’t like scare me or anything. I know quite a few people like you. I’m only 5′8. To bad we can’t split the difference.
Sounds like you’ve been worrying over this for sometime now. I don’t know what to tell you really. Have faith in yourself and stop caring so much what others think. Even your family. They are just people with opinions too. If we get to caught up in the world it just makes us feel insecure about ourselves. I know we are a part of the world so we have to live in it but it don’t have to be our motivator.
Take what you get from here. Sit back, think, and form some ideas. Search around on the internet a little. Think a lot more and then think some more. See where that gets you. This is a problem that can be solved only with time and determination. The fact that you want to solve it is a very very good thing. Kinda like the first step kinda deal you know. You’re on your way. Keep your chin up and carry onwards.
October 14th, 2009 at 6:29 am
Perhaps it’s a lesson of some sort. Maybe in another life, you were female and you wished to be something like you are now.
That doesn’t make much sense, but to be like what you desire, you are asking a question that involves an answer like surgery. You are a man, so looking like you are isn’t weird.
But I completely understand where you are coming from. You want your body to reflect who you are, and the one you are in now, you feel doesn’t do that at all.
Everybody has flaws that they don’t like. I know I have mine. There’s not much I can say. In order to get what you want, that involves work. You have to want it. You need some sort of motivation. Personally I think you are fine, everyone is made differently, that only makes you more unique. Don’t judge yourself by your figure. You wouldn’t want somebody doing that to you. Why do it do yourself?
October 14th, 2009 at 6:43 am
Despite your misgivings, it’s the attitude you project through which people form judgments about who and what you are. I suspect your poor self-image comes across as clearly as the color of your skin – and until you accept your body and the fact that a big lug like you can be the sweetest of men, people will still stand back a bit when you’re there.
I know how it feels – I’ve always had a look that could send cold shivers up the backs of the likes of Marylin Manson and George Foreman. But on more than one occasion, I’ve had a woman tell me “You’re the kindest, gentlest man I know!” They weren’t just saying it – they were genuinely surprised. But you see – these gals took the time to get to know me – many others wouldn’t do that.
I couldn’t and still can’t change other people’s attitudes. Neither can you. But you can change your own. That’s the key – and just accept that some folks will distrust you no matter what. Fuhgeddabout ‘em!
Each of us can claim very, very few REAL friends over a lifetime – that’s just the way it is. Work on lovin’ the skin you’re in.
October 14th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Women like men because they CAN make them feel small and protected. Its a good thing. I love it when a guy makes me feel like that because I feel safe. I would feel akward dating someone smaller then me, even though I doubt there are many guys like that since im tiny. haha.
Anyways, You seem to have some kind of issues with this. Its not your fault and you cant change your body structure. Working out and eating healthy will just put you in shape and you will feel better. If people think “oh hes just trying to build up and look tough” then their fault. They obviously dont know you and you shouldnt care. Theres a difference between the huge body builders and you anyways.
You need to go out there and find a woman who will like you for who you are, not only your body shape. The fact that you can make a woman feel safe and secure is only a good thing. Women dont really only consider body shapes, they rarely do. But this seems like the adivce I would give a man thats of a smaller structure! You really do have nothing to worry about.
No one can just “tell” you how to be comfortable with your body. You need to realize that yourself. A person who barely knows you will not be able to do that. I really recommend a psychiatrist, or someone close to you that you can talk to you about this, someone who knows you better then some random person.
October 14th, 2009 at 7:38 am
The only person who can fix your problems, is you. It starts with a committment. Ask professionals for help, if you have self-confidence and gender issues.
If you don’t help yourself, then no one will waste their time either.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Maybe if you begin to look at the nature of why women say this, it may help you relate to why you are so special. You are special, you just don’t care to embrace who you are. I am 5′2″ and 25 lbs overweight. I’m also blonde so I get stereo typed CONSTANTLY and alot of men discount me immediately because I am not a stick figure. When I was younger it KILLED ME because I wanted to be taller and thinner.
By nature women want to be nurtured and protected. It has been studied and confirmed that men your size (the perfect social stereotype) get the girls. The important thing is that women don’t even know why they do this, it is innate to be protected by a man. I understand your dilemma but you HAVE to change your thinking or you will never find happiness. Just like the man who is 5′ 2″ has to do. Women are attracted to your body, etc but the right woman will love your mind and your soul and your gentleness. You are not superficial, but you will attract ALL KINDS of women. I don’t mean this to sound condescending but… it’s SO true… and it helped me CHANGE my life: We create our own reality, we become what we focus on. Find a way to be grateful for the gift of being the way you are.. being so handsome and strong (sorry, it’s true!) you can attract and filter a million fish through your net and find the one woman who will make you feel exactly the way you want to feel. It’s not our fault that we are drawn to men like you to protect us, so try not to hold it against us. Good luck!