How Do I Deal With A Gender Identity Problem? I Look Very Masculine Yet I Don’t Like Being Seen That Way?
Posted by: in women hair lossI have a major issue with my looks. I’m 6′3″, broad shouldered, around 235, and bald. Most people don’t understand why I hate this, and I rarely tell them the real reason.
I hate how I look because it’s entirely masculine. I hate that I’m taller than most people, I resent the fact that I started losing my hair at age 17, and that while I’m not in super shape, it’s not uncommon for someone (often just some panhandler buttering me up for money) to ask if I played football or call me “Big man”. In my darker times, I refer to myself as being “ugly” although I know it’s not true….I’m just the opposite of what I want to be.
I’m posting pics just to show the contrast between who I am and who I wish I could be.
http://s385.photobucket.com/albums/oo296/curseofdolkite/
My GI problem is not a sexual issue…I don’t desire to have female organs and I’m heterosexual. I admit that in a perfect world, I’d rather be female. However, that’s obviously not going to happen, so I’m willing (like it matters) to compromise if I could just not be seen as an overtly masculine guy, I’m just frustrated because I know there is no way I’m ever going to be seen as anything but a masculine guy, the opposite of what I want. I could even deal with being male if I wasn’t so overtly masculine and the (few) women I attracted weren’t looking for the sort of big, strong, protective “manly man” type. I know they didn’t realize how their comments affected me, but hearing a female say things like “I love how small I feel next to you” were heartbreaking for me because I took it the way a female would….most females don’t want to be seen as big and burly.
I tried to counteract this by dating girls who were taller or larger…the last two were 6′5″ and 6′2″ (around 250 lbs). This, however, backfired…the supertall one loved having someone who made her look smaller and could dominate her in bed; the big one loved that I could pick her up (with difficulty) and, worse, told me she was attracted to me partially because I reminded her of her father. Now ask me why I don’t go out on more dates…
I’m really at a loss here. I mean, I care about how I look and yet I’m unmotivated even to get in shape and do the best I can with what I’ve been given because I don’t want to seem like I actively am striving to fulfill that big tough bald bouncer type image that’s so popular with men now.
Anyway, I don’t know if this answer is going to inspire a lot of rude comments or if anyone will even have anything meaningful to say beyond token responses like “Get therapy” or “Stop caring what you look like”.
Also, PLEASE read my question. Some people click on the link to my pic and then write “What’s the big deal, you’re not ugly” or “Lots of girls dig big guys”. My question is not “Am I good looking?”, it’s how do I cope with having a body that’s the exact opposite of what I wish I could be.
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October 14th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
I don’t know what to say. You need to be confident in who you are but also accepting of your body because that’s not going to change. Try counseling maybe. Good Luck.
October 14th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
ur hot do u liek men at all???
October 14th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
I think that since there isn’t much you can do to change your body ( unless you starve yourself and become a tall skinny guy) you should be thankful that you are in good health. Don’t obsess over the impossible, go out and enjoy life. Life is too short.
October 14th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
First of all, hun, your gender is not determined by genitals or appearance whatsoever. It is determined by the way your mind works and what lies in your heart. Some girls are born with penises. It happened to me. My guess is you’re a questioning transgenderist. You could be androgynous (having both male and female characteristics) or an MtF transsexual (a person with a male body that is actually a girl, which is determined by the person’s feelings). Your feelings are probably still developing, and if you end up totally feeling like a girl, then you are. That’s my philosophy. You might want to see a therapist about this so that you can get your feelings out. Secondly, you should find a girl who will be able to accept these feelings and not make you act a certain way. My girlfriend accepts that I am a girl, and that she wouldn’t have it any other way. Don’t worry about what other people think. Just be you. Express your feminine side, even if you look like a man on the outside! It’s your life, so make the right choices, and you will end up a happy girl or boy, whatever you find out you are.
Hope this helped, hun! If you have any concerns, please email me at iamthepinkbubble@hotmail.com, and I will do my best to answer any questions you have! Thanks.
October 14th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
I am totally confused about your question, are you gay? and scared to come out? or your not comfortible with who you are…
October 15th, 2009 at 1:45 am
You are going to have to take time.
Commenting on the first part of what you said…
GI is not about how you look,it is how you see yourself. Not wanting female organs and being heterosexual has nothing to do with each other.
How you see yourself sexually (gender Identity) has nothing to do with who are are sexually attracted to (sexual orientation).
Some people wish to fully transition, some want to only have top surgery and some prefer to cross-dress once in a while.
You will have to find out a your place on the gender scale.
Many cross-dressers are heterosexual and very very little cross-dressers are homosexual.
Get in touch with people in your local community that are in the same situation as yourself. Try and go to transition support. You do not have to transition to go.
Just go, check it out and maybe you will find the answers you are looking for.
This type of thing takes time and a lot of searching within ones self.
October 15th, 2009 at 2:49 am
u cant always get what u want, specially your body! I cant understand how a guy wouldnt want to be masculine but there u go. I reckon u have sexuality confusion and i dont think anyone on here can really be of help. Maybe in the next life ul be smaller, but it wont be in this one dude!
October 15th, 2009 at 8:17 am
So I am a female that looked boyish from birth. Jr. high proved worse as I got a hairy face and wide shoulders. I am not homosexual so my dating life sucked for a few years. If I did normal exercise, I get big bulky shoulders and arm. Yuck. So to start, you can’t fix the height issue. You can see a personal training and ask for exercises that create lean muscle. No weights. This will trim in the line and ad and work with the height. Shaved heads can be stylish, consult a professional stylist. This is not your average drop in hair cutting place. Consider hair implants and go for longer hair that can be styled at with longer lengths. There are several ways for hair removal around the face, body and don’t forget the hair line. The hair line frames your face and can come to far forward on the sides or drop to low in the back behind the ears or on the neck. It is a factor to making you look burly without knowing why. Soften your hand, let your nails get a little length and keep them very clean. Change your style. Go for the softer flowing type clothing. If this all seems like to much work, walk over to the mirror and say “I find my current looks acceptable enough not to take the extra step to change them, and that’s going to have to be good enough” and go on with your life. Good luck