Im Turning Into The Type Of Person I Always Feared About Becoming, Please Help?
Posted by: in women hair lossbasically, ive endured a very difficult, traumatic unfortunate life so far, im nearly 31 and physically look everyone of those years and older, the stress of my life has taken a toll and aged me prematurely..
my life has been unenviable so far meaning; not many people would wish to have walked in my shoes at all or be in my situation.
i failed at secondary school, suffered taunts, bullying ( throughout ), never mixed well , went through 3 secondary schools and ended up dropping out..
im now nearly 31 and have missed out on ; forming relationships – getting an education , getting qualifications ; living my life , being employed – i have a criminal record going 7 years back – been sectioned in a mental hospital –
suffered head injuries in a street attack because i lost control of rage in 1997 , had my head split open with a chair leg – suffered homelessness in salvation army for 12 months..
my life has been a living nightmare so far.
in the present i live in a one bed-roomed flat on disability, own very few possessions, the main 1 my computer, – reliant on mental health services – their offering me occupational therapy to integrate me back into society , ive been alienated and reclusive half my adult life – missed out on everything.
i was diagnosed with bpd personality disorder 2 years ago & ptsd symptoms – had a big problem with rage outbursts years ago , managed it well for years..
asked for psychotherapy but the resources for it are not available in my area.
basically im
- needy , desperate for people friendship , act clingy, eager, expect too much , frighten people away , wear my heart on my sleeve – ie ; ( this question )
- over emotional, vulnerable, allow myself to get spoken down to and condescended orpatronizedd by old ladies or women from britain on the samaritans helpline when i ring..
- cant assert myself sometimes, cant win an argument without running out of steam and words , my voice cracking, becoming angry , enraged and emotional – ( giving myself away )
- although assertive and articulate – i struggle to put myself across to people at times , tell them what im about , or dont have the energy.
- act childlike , unassertive sometimes , passive aggressive, softly spoken , have turned out to be a reliant adult who’ss being looked after by the government – ( which i cant stand and hate myself for )
- had all these traits since childhood adolescence – never learnt my value or worth – always had very low self esteem – never learnt social skills of how to form relationships – feel inferior and worthless.
-have become very bitter , angry , reclusive , reserved aloof – even though i dont want to be like that.
- have aged badly , not happy with my looks , im bald , looking into hair loss solutions, have 2 missing teeth because of an accident years ago -( head butted a window )
- people in my local community are cold , aloof , standoffish , my mum said maybe its because their ‘ wary ‘ because of my rage problems in the past and my aloof attitude ive had for all my life to society.
- some people treat me i feel as a charity case, a pitiful figure , a person to rally around and feel sorry for, or as a spring board to feel better about their own lives, women patronizee me talk down to me , demean me on samaritans helplines like im some old geriatric person dying who needs comfort and help..
this is the way ive turned out and have lived like this all my life, im a reserved , unconfident sad, angry , enraged, bitter figure i feel and hate myself and what ive become.
i look awful just recently, i feel age as caught up with me recently, although ive always not liked how i look.
im starting from many disadvantages in life to be able to accomplish personal goals of a decent job and a move abroad from britain, somewhere warm , coastal.
this is somebody who id like to be like :http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=ZcalwdH4l9…
but im far fom being confident and sure of who iam like he is – what am i gong to do ?
should i give up and take myself out ? i have more pride and dignity to be thought of like that the way i feel people think of me.
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September 26th, 2009 at 5:48 pm
Giving up is never the answer for any problem you have. You should have more pride and dignity than to give up and be thought of as a failure. Stop giving “everyone” else the power over you to determine how and what you should be. From the above comments you have some writing skills. You made perfectly clear your wants. By the age of 19 I had three children and 1 drowned in the bathtub. I was smacked around and talked to like a piece of crap. I didnt finish high school and had 2 kids to take care of so trying to get back to schoool was laughable. I was stuck in a terrible cycle for 7 years. But one day I heard someone say, people that let others control them will be just that, controlled. I started choosing to like me. Choosing to be smart. Choosing to walk around the block and smile and say hello to everyone I passed. After a while of this when I walked by people smiled and said hi. I know you have had it hard. But there is NEVER a reason to give up. Why give your control up to “feelings” to people who dont mean anymore in life than you do? As far as wanting to be someone other than yourself. Well most people, if asked think that they have huge flaws that they wish they could change about theselves. We as a society have become so obsessed with the idea of perfection we forgot that NO ONE IS PERFECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 26th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Believe in yourself, don’t give up, try making your life fun, Think that your life will get any better, pray to God, don’t be very deppressed about your problems, think about the fun things that happens, work hard to succeed, Think positive, be strong when problem strikes, be brave, be proud, don’t suicide,
You are such a pitiful person, I hope these will help you succeed and achieve your dreams follow my advice, I hope your life gets any better.